What am I Worth?

Day 5

Still feeling the effects of a difficult night... felt a little like walking through a minefield only it was in my mind. However, am proud to say I did make a choice for life today. I was working at the school where I have a job next year and today the students all found out their teacher and class for next year. I confess I was feeling a little anxious and insecure about it all. I have casually taught all of the children who will be in my class and I was worried about how they'd feel about having me as their teacher.

The first temptation was to walk through the playground as children were opening the letters with their parents discussing it with their friends. Unfortunately, I succumbed to this temptation and purposefully took the long route to the staff room to observe any reactions. Truthfully, I hoped to hear excitement from children in my future class, but expected to hear disappointment and complaining. Fortunately, I heard neither so both my pride and insecurity were not fed.

As I left the staff room, I was tempted to walk back the same way. More letters had been opened and there were many varied loud responses and exclamations coming from children outside. What did they think? Would they be pleased? Really my heart was asking, do they like me? Or is what I fear actually true, they don't like me and I'm not a good teacher.

No, walking that way would not be helpful. I am not defined by what they think and my worth doesn't come from their acceptance or rejection. In fact, my worth does not even come from how well or badly I do my job. My worth comes from something far deeper. I find it difficult to believe or feel at times, but still I know it is true. I am of great worth because I was dreamed up and created by God. He imagined me exactly and created me to fill a specific gap that no one else could fill. I am His poem. His masterpiece. And nothing I do or don't achieve or accomplish will change that. Feelings change. Opinions of people are easily blown to and fro as on a wind. But God is secure and the fact that He chose me will never change.

So I will do my best with my class next year and I hope they have an inspiring and worthwhile year... one they look back on with fondness. But I will try to not allow their opinions or even the opinions of others shape or define who I am and what I believe I am worth. I choose to be free of the fear of others and to live the life I was created for.

 

...and then there's today...

...Day 4...

After three days of determination to choose life and be courageous, today I just feel tired,  disconnected, like there's a spring tightly coiled inside that might explode at any moment, on the edge...

Do you have days like that? When the old demons suddenly reappear and try their hardest to pull you back into the dark? When to have a clear mind and a sense of peace is a battle in itself. It would be easy to think I'd wasted today. To beat myself up over mistakes and inadequacies. To focus on what I got wrong, rather than right.

But there has been some right... I stepped out and invited my niece and nephew camping, knowing it'd put me in a vulnerable position with the idea facing possible rejection... I determined to have a positive attitude about my teaching position next year, despite the challenges I know it will have... I wrote my blog, even though I felt like giving up.

So I am sometimes weak, but it's in these times of weakness that I have the greatest opportunity t depend on the One who is far stronger and greater than me. I know my God will not fail me. Just confessing that in itself is a courageous act of faith. I will keep pressing on. Who knows what the next bend holds...

Kindness over Criticism

Day 3... and 4

So, four days into it and I'm already a day behind. And I have to admit I was almost tempted to give it up completely. Does it really matter?... I have to confess there is a part of me that it does matter to though, and that this is pushing me on and holding me accountable. And so, if only for the sake of not wanting to give into my feelings and give 'failure' something else to throw at me, I've decided to push on.

Yesterday I chose life by choosing kindness over criticism. Grace over judgement. At the moment I'm working casually so, with the end of the school year quickly approaching, I'm home more than at work. I'm also living at Mum's... again. Part of it because I just recently got back from an 18mth stint in London... part of it for some stability and support... partly for the practical reason that I wasn't getting a regular income and was unsure of what was next. Funnily enough, my younger brother also moved back home a few weeks after me. His lease was cut short and now he's looking for a place with his fiance.

Enough of the family history. My brother and I are very different and, I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm not very kind to him. I nag him. I don't agree with his life choices and, too often, I am openly critical and judgmental. I hear the way I sound when I speak to him sometimes and I know I would never have the boldness to speak to anyone else in such an unkind, bossy way. But when it comes to the little bro (who isn't so little anymore), it's like I can't help myself.

So yesterday I was home... and so was my brother. He'd called into work sick... nauseous. I was skeptical, was it really that bad? I could've been judgmental but, instead, I decided to show kindness. I encouraged him to rest. I made lunch for him and watched a dvd with him. I spoke to him with respect and a kind tone.

... it seems too little an act. Is this worthy of calling a step of courage? I feel it was as I was forced to go against how I felt and I put someone else ahead of myself. I love my brother. I'm just not very good at it. Hopefully if I have more days of choosing kindness this will change.

Pursuing Connection...

Day 2

Today I made a conscious choice to connect rather than withdraw.

Might sound like a simple act but, more often than not, it's not my first reaction. In an effort to protect myself from disappointment and rejection, my default response to an invitation is usually to make an excuse in order to isolate myself. That way I'm safe, I'm in control, and I won't be put into any awkward or unexpected situations. However, the down side to this is that I continue to strengthen the belief that I'm alone and that I'm not worthy of connection. "Blah, blah, poor you," you may think, but isn't it true that so often we create a self-fulfilling prophecy by causing the situation or reaction that we hate the most to actually occur.

So today I decided to courageously choose life and accept the invitation I'd received to have coffee with an acquaintance I'd just met. No sooner had I decided this, the excuses started to flow. I could easily make it sound like I was too busy. I could not respond; I probably wouldn't see her again so it wouldn't matter. I could... Familiar tapes rolled through my brain in an effort to avoid connection. In the end I stepped out in the opposite direction to how I felt and messaged to ask where we could meet.

Funnily enough, she misread my text and thought I'd said I was working so she'd arrange to meet another time. An out... would I go with it? Or was it that she actually didn't want to catch up? Old lies about my worth which can often feel true, even though they aren't, started to replay.

However, no matter how it felt and that all I really wanted to do was avoid, I reminded myself to be courageous and to pursue what I do value most - connection. So I replied. I'm not working. I am free. Would you still like to catch up? Funny how such a little crack in the armour can make you feel so vulnerable. But, as Brené Brown says, it's the little cracks that let in the light.

I just got back from our catch up. She was really pleased we'd been able to connect and she hoped we could do it again. It was good. Not life-changing, but comfortable. While I may have asked her a lot of questions about herself to fill any silent gaps (and perhaps deflect attention off myself), I am pleased I went against how I felt and I made the choice that brings life.

The next invitation I'll be faced with the same choice and probably the same fears. Only hopefully next time it will be a little easier to choose to connect rather than withdraw. And little by little my soul will come alive.

Is it ok to share this journey online?...

This is what I've been debating over in my mind since the thought occurred to me that I could start a blog.

 

Am I sharing this journey on a blog just because it's the "thing" to do?...

Will I be sharing too much... does anyone even care about the journey?

What, if by some random chance, someone actually does care and I get a follower. Will that distract me from the purpose?

 

Ultimately I came to the realisation that writing this blog is actually the first step for me to choosing life. You see, I've been going around the same circles for a while... you may be able to relate to the feeling of arriving at the same place again, whether it be faliure, disappointment, disillusionment, ill-health... and it's starting to get old. Actually, it's been old for longer than I'd like to admit but I haven't known how to really make a change that lasts... or I haven't had the courage to make the hard choices.

 

I'd like to just get off the merry-go-round but, unfortunately, that hasn't proved to be as simple as it sounds. Sure I can make good choices for a while and I'm very good at making things look like it's all ok on the outside, but that's not enough anymore. So that's where this blog comes in.

 

Over the past few days I've been reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. I've been deeply challenged by her theories of vulnerability and that through becoming vulnerable, we can live our greatest and most courageous life. Part of being vulnerable is connection. By writing this blog I hope I might connect with others, and maybe even encourage them to live courageously. 

 

But I'm also writing it for another reason. Accountability. Within our neatly contained lives, hidden behind our closed doors and busyness, it's too easy to hide. Too easy to quit. Some days it'll be hard and I'm sure I'll ask myself, why keep going? No one will know. But I will know. And I don't want an easy way out. So even if it's only as proof to myself that I've chosen life every day, I've decided to blog my journey.

 

Why 50 days?... Well, there's 50 days until I start my new job teaching... and I want to be in a better place by then. Plus, with more time on my hands over the summer holidays I'd rather focus my attention on renewing my mind and living courageously than wallowing in the mud of my past.

 

So, there we have it. Day 1. I've chosen to move beyond the fear that this is stupid or that I'm just doing this to get attention. I'm choosing to be ok with this not being the 'coolest' or most 'arty' blog and to just let it be a reflection of me. And that's enough.