Day 2
Today I made a conscious choice to connect rather than withdraw.
Might sound like a simple act but, more often than not, it's not my first reaction. In an effort to protect myself from disappointment and rejection, my default response to an invitation is usually to make an excuse in order to isolate myself. That way I'm safe, I'm in control, and I won't be put into any awkward or unexpected situations. However, the down side to this is that I continue to strengthen the belief that I'm alone and that I'm not worthy of connection. "Blah, blah, poor you," you may think, but isn't it true that so often we create a self-fulfilling prophecy by causing the situation or reaction that we hate the most to actually occur.
So today I decided to courageously choose life and accept the invitation I'd received to have coffee with an acquaintance I'd just met. No sooner had I decided this, the excuses started to flow. I could easily make it sound like I was too busy. I could not respond; I probably wouldn't see her again so it wouldn't matter. I could... Familiar tapes rolled through my brain in an effort to avoid connection. In the end I stepped out in the opposite direction to how I felt and messaged to ask where we could meet.
Funnily enough, she misread my text and thought I'd said I was working so she'd arrange to meet another time. An out... would I go with it? Or was it that she actually didn't want to catch up? Old lies about my worth which can often feel true, even though they aren't, started to replay.
However, no matter how it felt and that all I really wanted to do was avoid, I reminded myself to be courageous and to pursue what I do value most - connection. So I replied. I'm not working. I am free. Would you still like to catch up? Funny how such a little crack in the armour can make you feel so vulnerable. But, as Brené Brown says, it's the little cracks that let in the light.
I just got back from our catch up. She was really pleased we'd been able to connect and she hoped we could do it again. It was good. Not life-changing, but comfortable. While I may have asked her a lot of questions about herself to fill any silent gaps (and perhaps deflect attention off myself), I am pleased I went against how I felt and I made the choice that brings life.
The next invitation I'll be faced with the same choice and probably the same fears. Only hopefully next time it will be a little easier to choose to connect rather than withdraw. And little by little my soul will come alive.
Today I made a conscious choice to connect rather than withdraw.
Might sound like a simple act but, more often than not, it's not my first reaction. In an effort to protect myself from disappointment and rejection, my default response to an invitation is usually to make an excuse in order to isolate myself. That way I'm safe, I'm in control, and I won't be put into any awkward or unexpected situations. However, the down side to this is that I continue to strengthen the belief that I'm alone and that I'm not worthy of connection. "Blah, blah, poor you," you may think, but isn't it true that so often we create a self-fulfilling prophecy by causing the situation or reaction that we hate the most to actually occur.
So today I decided to courageously choose life and accept the invitation I'd received to have coffee with an acquaintance I'd just met. No sooner had I decided this, the excuses started to flow. I could easily make it sound like I was too busy. I could not respond; I probably wouldn't see her again so it wouldn't matter. I could... Familiar tapes rolled through my brain in an effort to avoid connection. In the end I stepped out in the opposite direction to how I felt and messaged to ask where we could meet.
Funnily enough, she misread my text and thought I'd said I was working so she'd arrange to meet another time. An out... would I go with it? Or was it that she actually didn't want to catch up? Old lies about my worth which can often feel true, even though they aren't, started to replay.
However, no matter how it felt and that all I really wanted to do was avoid, I reminded myself to be courageous and to pursue what I do value most - connection. So I replied. I'm not working. I am free. Would you still like to catch up? Funny how such a little crack in the armour can make you feel so vulnerable. But, as Brené Brown says, it's the little cracks that let in the light.
I just got back from our catch up. She was really pleased we'd been able to connect and she hoped we could do it again. It was good. Not life-changing, but comfortable. While I may have asked her a lot of questions about herself to fill any silent gaps (and perhaps deflect attention off myself), I am pleased I went against how I felt and I made the choice that brings life.
The next invitation I'll be faced with the same choice and probably the same fears. Only hopefully next time it will be a little easier to choose to connect rather than withdraw. And little by little my soul will come alive.
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