This is what I've been debating over in my mind since the thought occurred to me that I could start a blog.
Am I sharing this journey on a blog just because it's the "thing" to do?...
Will I be sharing too much... does anyone even care about the journey?
What, if by some random chance, someone actually does care and I get a follower. Will that distract me from the purpose?
Ultimately I came to the realisation that writing this blog is actually the first step for me to choosing life. You see, I've been going around the same circles for a while... you may be able to relate to the feeling of arriving at the same place again, whether it be faliure, disappointment, disillusionment, ill-health... and it's starting to get old. Actually, it's been old for longer than I'd like to admit but I haven't known how to really make a change that lasts... or I haven't had the courage to make the hard choices.
I'd like to just get off the merry-go-round but, unfortunately, that hasn't proved to be as simple as it sounds. Sure I can make good choices for a while and I'm very good at making things look like it's all ok on the outside, but that's not enough anymore. So that's where this blog comes in.
Over the past few days I've been reading Daring Greatly by Brené Brown. I've been deeply challenged by her theories of vulnerability and that through becoming vulnerable, we can live our greatest and most courageous life. Part of being vulnerable is connection. By writing this blog I hope I might connect with others, and maybe even encourage them to live courageously.
But I'm also writing it for another reason. Accountability. Within our neatly contained lives, hidden behind our closed doors and busyness, it's too easy to hide. Too easy to quit. Some days it'll be hard and I'm sure I'll ask myself, why keep going? No one will know. But I will know. And I don't want an easy way out. So even if it's only as proof to myself that I've chosen life every day, I've decided to blog my journey.
Why 50 days?... Well, there's 50 days until I start my new job teaching... and I want to be in a better place by then. Plus, with more time on my hands over the summer holidays I'd rather focus my attention on renewing my mind and living courageously than wallowing in the mud of my past.
So, there we have it. Day 1. I've chosen to move beyond the fear that this is stupid or that I'm just doing this to get attention. I'm choosing to be ok with this not being the 'coolest' or most 'arty' blog and to just let it be a reflection of me. And that's enough.
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